Get it wrong for me: What I need from allies
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Get it wrong for me: What I need from allies

I used to hate it when someone who was interested in being an ally to me and other members of the Black community asked me ‘what can I do?’, ‘what do you need from me?’. I used to see it as a tax. It was something that caused me so much frustration because, at the time, all I ever wanted to do was respond with an icy glare and say, ‘nothing – there is nothing you can do.’ Based on the hate, bigotry and violence that Black people across the globe often experience, I couldn’t comprehend how those who were not Black and who came to me with their own feelings of helplessness, could possibly make an impact.

There are a litany of powerful thought-pieces circulating right now about how Black people in the US feel about the seeming never-ending acts of violence and bigotry in our country. And I certainly don’t claim to speak for my entire community. I have an experience and perspective that is colored by the reality of my own personal privilege, but I will say one of the most common sentiments I am seeing in the Black community right now is exhaustion. We are tired. I am tired. I am tired of the fear. I am tired of the hate. I am tired of feeling helpless. I am tired of worrying about the physical safety and freedom of the Black people in my life, every single day. But I am also tired of people who say they don’t get it, that they don’t know why we are making such a big deal out of this race thing, that they thought this was all in the past.

With each news story, each new video, I attempt to untangle the two - my identity and my job - and I fail.

I will admit that I likely approach this conversation from a different vantage point than many of the people who will stumble across this post. As of a year ago, I now work in Diversity & Inclusion. I am not a HR professional, but I am a communicator who knows how language and stories can drive meaningful culture change. I work alongside some of the most innovative minds in the business. This was not a job I came to lightly. I was convinced for years that I could only drive change from the outside – and there are some brilliant advocates, and activists who are doing that in truly powerful ways.

Right now I’m making use of the access that I have been granted at work (a former mentor of mine would tell me to say the access I have earned) the access I have earned at work, to instead wrestle daily with the fact that I simply don’t have the option to leave my identity at the door each day. With each news story, each new video I attempt to untangle the two - my identity and my job - and I fail. I cannot separate them and while I am fully committed to doing the right thing by the company I work for, part of doing that means being willing to bring some of that identity with me.

So now when an interested ally asks me, ‘what can I do’… I feel differently. I am too tired to carry this alone, now I am ready to put people to work. I am ready to have high expectations, or really any expectations of those around me to show up. I am ready to ask for and assume that those who want to be an ally to me and my community will show up in the ways that I need them to, and not in the ways that they want to.

I will give you grace if you give me effort.

Now, when someone asks, ‘what do you need from me’, I say, ‘I need you to learn, I need you to care’. Somehow, we’ve all evolved to underestimate the power of learning and the power of seeking to understand. Knowing what things harm me is a sign that you value me. We’ve come to expect we will just magically know all of this without having to work at it, to think we have to act immediately without first understanding, and to believe we can’t make mistakes. This is the difference between an eager ally and an informed ally. I personally don’t want the flashy signs or symbols of allyship, I’m not looking for the buttons and t-shirts and hashtags (there are many dissenting opinions here both in the D&I space and even within community). I want an ally who pays attention to what is happening outside their own community or perspective. I want an ally who knows that these things are happening to people like me, without me needing to tell them that they are happening to people like me.

Then I want an ally who works to change their individual behavior and change the system around us for the better. Not just one or the other. I want a bunch of people who are interested in becoming allies to me to get it wrong. Because I promise, you will get it wrong, likely more than once. But please get it wrong, for me. Be wrong on my behalf. Try stuff, learn stuff, make attempts, and fail. Embrace the discomfort of not knowing, of not being certain, of not understanding and then be motivated enough to learn and get better. I will give you grace if you give me effort. We are risking our lives; you can risk getting things wrong.

I often point people to my favorite book on the topic of race, by Seattle author and activist Ijeoma Oluo, So You Want To Talk About Race. I consider it the perfect book for anyone looking to begin their learning journey on this topic. An especially easy way for executives and leaders to expand their awareness is to sign up for Ellen McGirt’s Fortune raceAhead, which shares regular reflections on current events across a number of identities and communities.

As I reflect on my own path ahead, both personally and professionally, I am still tired. There is still so much work to do. I think about the work I want to do for the Black community, for the queer community, for people with disabilities, and I also think about the work I want to do for communities that I am not a part of. For example, members of the Asian community in many parts of the world, are experiencing rampant xenophobia right now. I want to get it wrong for people who need me to be their ally. Yes, it feels like the list will never end, yes it feels like anything we do will never be enough. No, we will never be done. But I’m going to keep swinging at it any way, and now, I’m ready to tell you what I need from you.



Related - Relentless Relentless empathy: When hate demands critical leadership, Lindsay-Rae McIntyre, Chief Diversity Officer, Microsoft


It's over three years later and I'm still referencing this essay regularly! Thank you, Megan!

Jeannie Gainsburg

Create an LGBTQ+-inclusive workplace or school with sustainable and effective allyship. Award-Winning LGBTQ+ Educator, Consultant, and Author. Beach Volleyball Player!

1y

Hello Megan Carpenter. I apologize for using this format to submit a request for permission to quote you, but I could find no other way to contact you. I am writing to request permission to reprint the following material from this article/blog. “I want a bunch of people who are interested in becoming allies to me to get it wrong. Because I promise, you will get it wrong, likely more than once. But please get it wrong, for me. Be wrong on my behalf. Try stuff, learn stuff, make attempts, and fail. Embrace the discomfort of not knowing, of not being certain, of not understanding, and then be motivated enough to learn and get better.” This material is to appear as originally published as an epigraph in the following work to be published by Rowman & Littlefield Publishers, an academic press based in Maryland: Jeannie Gainsburg, The Savvy Ally, A Guide for Becoming a Skilled LGBTQ+ Advocate, Second Edition. I’d be happy to send you more information about the book if you’re interested. Please respond here or reach out to me at savvyallyaction@gmail.com. Thank you so much! 

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Stellar essay Megan!

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Eva Folsom

Senior Manager, Technical Content and Documentation at Amazon Web Services (AWS)

2y

Thank you for this thoughtful and insightful piece.

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Grant Hogarth

Senior Technical Writer @ Workiva | TOP200 Content Experience Strategist

2y

Thank you for this piece. I want to help, but I don't want to be the person who does things _for_ (in place of/overriding) others rather than _with_ others. I want to enable folks to succeed, but I know that that only works if they do it on their terms, and to their criteria, not mine. Ego is a hard thing to let go of, especially when one means well.

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