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By Dr. Jane Greer
Dealing with family members who have conflicting beliefs can pose a challenge. Disbelief about their views can leave one thinking, “Are they for real?” Everything from child rearing to politics to managing the pandemic can form rifts in relationships that, in a variety of cases, lead people to become estranged from each other. They end up in a Cold War with loved ones, opting to keep their distance and harbor resentment.
Finding harmony in the face of opposing beliefs requires a lot of care and finesse. Oftentimes, members each believe they’re right and that the other is wrong, and they waste a lot of time trying to convince the other member — invariably hitting a wall.
How is it possible to side-step becoming polarized? What needs to happen in order to find middle ground?
For example, Ginger went to visit her son, Hank, his wife, Sadie, and her grandson, Connor, to celebrate Connor’s fourth birthday. During her visit, she realized that Connor still wasn’t potty trained. Upset, she asked her son in private whether it concerned him that Connor was still in diapers, to which Hank replied, “What’s the big deal? I don’t know why you’re concerned about it.”
After Ginger returned home and had digested the situation, she believed that Hank and Sadie needed some coaching on their parenting practices, and she decided to arrange this for them. She and Hank had a close relationship, and she felt confident that he’d agree with her approach. When she broached the idea to Hank, he said he’d think about it. But in subsequent calls to him, Hank put her off, saying he was busy and they’d talk later — and then never returned her calls.
When Ginger finally reached him again and asked when she could set up a session, Hank responded, “I don’t want to talk about this, or frankly, anything with you right now. And by the way, keep your opinions to yourself,” and then hung up.
Ginger was shocked, thinking that Hank had always been open to what she had to say. She felt that he couldn’t possibly agree with what Sadie was doing, and that Sadie had turned him against her.
Ginger needed to know the skill of “Knowing when to hold them, knowing when to fold them” for dealing with the difference of opinion.
Here are some ideas for how to apply this skill when you and a family member have differing beliefs:
1. Decide what you can and what you can’t accept. Examine your own feelings and decide whether they’re so strong that the disagreement with your family member is a deal breaker or not. The choice really becomes whether you’re able to find a way to meet halfway so that you can sustain the relationship, or whether it’s more important for you to stand firm — even if it means risking losing a person you love.
2. Refrain from offering unwanted advice. Offering unwanted advice in a rather aggressive manner is generally not a good way to reach anyone, not to mention someone who might already be on the defensive. Try to have a talk that’s open, with a give and take. You want to use the conversation so that you’re setting up the possibility that they’ll ask you what you would do in this situation. The real goal is to create a situation in which you can naturally offer your opinion — or a different perspective — instead of forcing yours upon them.
3. Try to be empathetic. Instead of being antagonistic and questioning another’s beliefs, employ empathy. Try to understand where the viewpoints are coming from and why they think the way they do. Ask questions and explore the different points of view. Work to find common ground, a truce, or even just to agree to disagree.
In the end, Ginger made the decision that it was more important to her to have her son, daughter-in-law, and grandson in her life than it was to impose her ideas about parenting on them. She sent an email to Hank and Sadie and apologized, explaining that she’d done potty training differently when she raised her boys, but admitted there were many ways to do it and that, as Connor’s parents, it was ultimately up to them. She credited them for raising such a sweet, funny, smart boy.
They were able to accept their differences and focus on what was most important — enjoying and adoring Connor together.
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Dr. Jane Greer is a Marriage and Family Therapist, Psychotherapist, author, radio host, and creator of “SHRINK WRAP,” the popular commentary on what we can learn from the trials and triumphs of not only celebrity, but all relationships. Through her media collaborations and professional insights, Dr. Greer is recognized as a leading national expert in love and relationships. She’s the author of six books, including her latest, Am I Lying To Myself? How to Overcome Denial and See the Truth (Rowman & Littlefield, March 4, 2023). Learn more at www.drjanegreer.com.
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